I suck at speaking my feelings... and probably writing them to. Which is kinda funny, considering I am an English teacher.
Anyway, every time I try to tell someone how I feel (most the time I'm talking about my husband) I can never articulate what I feel in my heart or think in my mind. It frustrates me, because I feel like I never really get my point across; like my feelings are trapped in my own mind and heart and I'm the only one who really knows how I feel.
You see, I feel things deep. I feel pride, pain, sadness, happiness, real deep. Things affect me, and stay with me, and I think about them a lot. Even things that are not directly related to my life, either. I think I have a soft heart, and I let a lot of things in, and dwell on them. Sometimes this is a good thing, and sometimes it hurts me. a lot.
I feel like this when I try to tell my husband things- when I try to communicate with him my needs or feelings. Take this morning, for example. KK was saying he wanted to take our bird dog, Matty, out to hunt this weekend on Saturday. Poor Matty is so neglected since teh girls have come around, and he has not gotten to hunt the birdies this entire season. So KK decided he was going to take Matty out to hunt Saturday morning. Good, great, grand.
Another problem I have is that I have short-term memory loss. Not really, but I forget stuff all the time, unless I write it down. so I get to school this morning and check my email, and I have an evite reminder of a baby shower this weekend- Saturday- at noon.
So I see KK in the hallway (remember, we teach at the same high school) and I tell him that I forgot about the baby shower. I apologize, and say he can take Matty before I go, or after I get back, or even on Sunday. And he says: so I have the kids all day Saturday then? It's going to rain on Sunday. And he walks away.
Ok dearest husband, let's not exaggerate so much. I will be gone from 11:30-2:30 at the most, and Ali's naptime is at 12:00- BIG DEAL!
So now hear I sit, in my classroom, contemplating how to discuss this with him and not say it wrong to make him feel defensive- but tell him that was a jerk thing to say, and that I don't appreciate his rudeness- because I take it personal- and it makes me feel unimportant.