The problem with communication

I suck at speaking my feelings... and probably writing them to. Which is kinda funny, considering I am an English teacher.
Anyway, every time I try to tell someone how I feel (most the time I'm talking about my husband) I can never articulate what I feel in my heart or think in my mind.  It frustrates me, because I feel like I never really get my point across; like my feelings are trapped in my own mind and heart and I'm the only one who really knows how I feel.

You see, I feel things deep.  I feel pride, pain, sadness, happiness, real deep.  Things affect me, and stay with me, and I think about them a lot. Even things that are not directly related to my life, either. I think I have a soft heart, and I let a lot of things in, and dwell on them. Sometimes this is a good thing, and sometimes it hurts me. a lot.

I feel like this when I try to tell my husband things- when I try to communicate with him my needs or feelings.  Take this morning, for example.  KK was saying he wanted to take our bird dog, Matty, out to hunt this weekend on Saturday.  Poor Matty is so neglected since teh girls have come around, and he has not gotten to hunt the birdies this entire season.  So KK decided he was going to take Matty out to hunt Saturday morning. Good, great, grand. 

Another problem I have is that I have short-term memory loss. Not really, but I forget stuff all the time, unless I write it down.  so I get to school this morning and check my email, and I have an evite reminder of a baby shower this weekend- Saturday- at noon.
So I see KK in the hallway (remember, we teach at the same high school) and I tell him that I forgot about the baby shower.  I apologize, and say he can take Matty before I go, or after I get back, or even on Sunday.  And he says:  so I have the kids all day Saturday then? It's going to rain on Sunday.  And he walks away.
Ok dearest husband, let's not exaggerate so much.  I will be gone from 11:30-2:30 at the most, and Ali's naptime is at 12:00- BIG DEAL!
So now hear I sit, in my classroom, contemplating how to discuss this with him and not say it wrong to make him feel defensive- but tell him that was a jerk thing to say, and that I don't appreciate his rudeness- because I take it personal- and it makes me feel unimportant.

Whew!

So Halloween went over without a hitch! Ali had a B.L.A.S.T with every aspect of Halloween- she loved the excitement of it all and running around the neighborhood with her best buddy Wyatt (who was a very cute Buzz Lightyear) this is a picture I took of the two of them a couple weeks ago- they love each other!

Ali asked me when she got home from daycare yesterday if we could go trick or treating again and was so sad when I explained to her it only happens once a year.. that girl melts my heart I tell ya! It makes me sooo excited for Christmas!

And sweet sweet Avery is just growin like a weed!  Poor little gal is so stinkin happy all the time that we had no idea how very sick she was.  So let me back up here-  Avery has been coughing for the past 2 weeks- same with Ali.  We figured it was just a cold; being it is cold season and it seems like kids have a runny nose all fall and winter long.  We started to get a little worried when Avery's cough would not go away. So after 12 days of hearing her cough- I called the doc and got her  an appointment.  Turns out the poor kid not only is on a nebulizer for breathing treatments- she also has a bacterial infection in her eye, throat, and has a double ear infection! Believe me, I felt like the worst mom ever in the doctor's office... but seriously the girl shows no signs of not feeling like the happiest baby in the world!  She's so sweet- poor thing had to suffer like that before her mean old mommy finally got it together...  thank goodness our almost 6 month old weighs 19 pounds!!!  makes me feel better when she has been turning away her cereal- poor thing- it probably hurt her throat!

Happy Halloweenie!

A better day- part 1

Please excuse my o-so-vague prayer from Friday. I have had a lot going on emotionally, and it was too much for me to write down.  Thankfully, things are better today...
 I volunteer and a young mom support group at my church,every other Monday.  We used to be a teen mom support group, but as our teen moms are growing and still wanting to come to the meetings, we had to change our title.  One of the moms that comes to the group, I will call her B, was also a student at the high school where I teach (she graduated last spring). B has a baby girl, C, who is 3 months old.  C's dad is totally not involved, and B's parents are currently estranged and not helping at all.  Anyway,  I had a current student come to me and report that B was partying too much, not living anywhere permanent, and leaving C at random people's houses.  The student's rendition was that B left C at a "crack-head's" house, and when B finally went to pick her up, they hadn't changed her diaper at all and her legs were total diaper rash.
So I of course call B right away, ask her where she is at, and arrange to pick her up after school.  I know from experience that teenagers tend to exaggerate, and I wanted to see for myself before making a call to child services. 
I am happy to report that the student's story was totally blown out of proportion.  B is living with a family in town (white-trash, somewhat irresponsible, but at least a permanent place that she has a room for her and baby).  When I picked her up, C was totally under dressed for the weather, and had a soaked diaper, but no diaper rash and was happy and "normal".... B is totally partying, but justifies it in the fact that the family she is living with tells her she is 19, have fun!  My opinion differs in that: when you get knocked up, you gotta own up to your decisions, and make a sacrifice.. which I nicely told B... who knows if she was listening.

Why my heart breaks is because that sweet, petite little baby girl is not being loved the way I wish she was.  I do not think her diaper is changed as often as I would change it, and I do not think she is being fed as often as I would feed her (she is not starving, but probably not getting enough feedings for her age).  I don't think she has a stable environment; a warm, cuddly bed to sleep in; and a mom who is smart enough to figure all this out on her own.  B is trying her best, but it isn't the best. It is the best for a dingy 19 year old girl who loves her baby, but also is a selfish 19 year old who cannot prioritize.  THAT is what breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because she is not the only dumb teenage mom who is putting herself before her baby, and not seeing anything wrong with it.  I see 80 teenage kids every single day who were raised the same way. And while they survive, and some turn out to be functioning members of society, it still breaks my heart. children deserve better than that.  That is why my heart hurts.

and because my husband is somewhat clueless, but I'll save that post for tomorrow...

My Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Please be near to me. Please relieve the emotional burdens that I am carrying on my heart as of late.  Please help me to draw from your strength and look to you for guidance and understanding.  Please help me release my emotions and not feel so burdened.  And please help those that my heart hurts for.

I love you and I thank you for never leaving my side. 

Amen

Alive- but busy as all get out!

I'm still here! And the Jelli family is alive and trucking- happy and healthy! Although both girls are currently suffering from terrible colds...

Work's still kicking my butt; but after 6 weeks of being back, I finally feel like I'm gaining back control!

So, until I get a few more minutes to sit here and type... here's some pictures of the girls and their happen ins as of late!

Ali Bananas is as cute as ever. (And the girl loves herself some stickers!) She is so smart and articulate- she makes me laugh every single moment I am with her! We are so lucky to have as sweet a girl as her.. the terrible twos are pretty good, thus far!

And my Sweet Baby Avery is getting so very big!  She is already 5 1/2 months old- crazy!  She is eating rice cereal twice a day like a champ, and is finally sleeping through the night- woot woot!  We love her so very very much.. and her chubby lil self!

... so back to my life as a full-time teacher and mom!  Holy Crap, it's a whirlwind! 

What Teacher's Make