Tonight my husband coached a basketball game, and she came. I was sitting high up in the stands partly so she wouldn't sit by me (she can't climb the bleachers) and partly because it is easier to get up and rock the baby if need be without getting in the way of other spectators. I feel like a terrible person- I saw her walk over to where I used to sit before the baby, and when I wasn't there, she went over and sat behind the bench. I didn't even go visit her during half time!
So she called my husband after the game and apparently didn't see us sitting up in the bleachers, and I lied and said I didn't see her either. But when he was talking to her, he said "I'll tell her to sit closer to the court next time and look for you"... umm....NO!!! I don't want to have to sit next to that woman for an entire basketball game... and I feel HORRIBLE for feeling that way!
I just want to tell my husband that I don't like his mom. I don't want to have to pretend to enjoy her company- which is what I do now. It's hard enough that she comes over once a week, but now she expects us to be this big, happy family all the time. It also makes me angry that Kris puts me in that position- I also want to tell him he cannot force me to have a relationship with her.
And I know she is getting better- KK was happy because this is the first time his mom has come to watch one of his games sober- EVER- and she called to congratulate him after the game and remembered stuff that happened... so I should be feeling happy for him. But the truth is, I don't. I want her to leave us alone. She is obsessed with us- and I feel so smothered. Her son is 35 years old and she is still coming to his games and calling him to congratulate him... It's like she forgets that he is a GROWN UP now. She has gone from barely caring about anything to being super involved. And I can't help but think she does it all for show- like Ali and Kris are prizes she can claim. I even think she wants me to be one of her prizes like "oh look at Linda, she has this happy little family to be the head of"... Bleck It's all so fake!
I know that I really need to change my heart, and I feel terrible for the way I feel towards her. I don't understand why I can't let it go and why I let it eat me up so much. I am being such a brat, part of me feels so ashamed of myself, and the other part makes me want to just scream. I just need to accept her for what she is and be kind. Why can I not be kind? I'm struggling with this- and I really want to talk to Kris, but I KNOW it will end in a fight. I want to feel compassion and be happy that she is healing and want her to be part of her granddaughter's life- so then why do I just want her to leave us alone?
OH yeah- she's coming over tomorrow too- even though she was JUST HERE on Wednesday... SEE!!! There I go again!!! I need to change my attitude pronto!
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