I watched the best Oprah on Friday. It was all about mothers, and how we try to hide the truth behind the daily struggles of motherhood. I think it was titled "The Secret Lives of Moms", or something to that effect, and you should check it out if you missed it.
I like Oprah, but don't watch her show regularly. But I must say, this show moved me. I finally felt like it was OK to feel the way I feel about being a mom, and not feel guilty about it. That it's OK to not love being a mom every minute, every second, of every day. That there are gigantic highs and lows of raising a child. That there are more than numerous days you want to pull your hair out, or days you seriously think about hurting your husband in some way for not measuring up and helping out as much as you think he should.
It's amazing how our society tries to put out a good face all the time. People are so secretive of the truth: we only paint a picture of the good. We only give people the filtered versions of our lives. And I think it's because we (well in my case "I") are afraid of being judged. We are afraid that we are the only mom that isn't smiling all day long and remembering what a blessing having children are. We don't want people to think we long to be able to have a moment alone, or to be able to leave the house on a whim just because you forgot something at the store and not have that be a whole production.
Well, I'm over it. Especially in my blog. I created this blog as an outlet for myself. When I first started writing, I was looking for a way to share my feelings about trying to get pregnant. My blog isn't for my family, it's for myself. It's my online diary- a place I can share what I'm feeling and keep a running record. It's therapeutic. But I haven't been using it right. I only write the filtered version, because I'm so afraid of all the bloggers that I look up to, who I see as having a perfect marriages and perfect families, thinking that I am less of a person, wife, or mother. Well I've realized that I'm just not that. I'm proud of who I am as a wife, mother, and as a woman. I've worked my ass off to get where I am- I'm proud of all that I've accomplished thus far, and it's time for me to be real.
So no more filtering for me. When I'm having a bad day, I'm going to get it all out. When my husband is making me scream inside, I'm going to blog about it. When I feel like I just need to sit down and have a glass of wine and I'd pay any price to get it..well first I'm going to have that glass, but then I'm going to blog about it :). I hope that I can not only give myself some self-therapy, but also give some women out there some liberties to just get it all out. We're all doing the best we can, and it's OK to feel overwhelmed, exhausted, pissed off, etc. And... it's OK to BLOG ABOUT IT and at the end of the day, still be a good person.