I don't even know where to start. I don't like airing my dirty laundry out on the internet, but I feel like I need to put my feelings down somewhere, to help me sort them out, and figure out what is going on in my life.
Sunday was my birthday. I am a firm believer that birthdays are meant to be celebrated. I try to make my family and friends feel special on their birthday- no matter how big or small I can make the celebration- I believe it is the thought that counts.
My husband did nothing for me on my birthday. He didn't forget, he just chose not to acknowledge the day with any special or thoughtful gesture. He did not make me breakfast, he did not give me a card, he did not have a gift- he did not even offer an excuse as to why he chose to not make my birthday special.
The thing is, this made me feel worthless. Like I am not special enough to him to even make an effort on my birthday. I feel like I make excuses for his unthoughtfullness and his inability towards being romantic or giving to me. I feel like an idiot for allowing myself to love and give my life to a man who can't even remember his wife on her birthday.
It isn't fair that he could not do some small gesture to show me that he remembers how special I am on my birthday. That's not OK- I am his wife- it is unacceptable for him to slide on this day.
Today is Day Two of me not speaking to him. I slept on the couch last night. On Sunday night, as we were laying in bed and the disappointment was setting in- I told him he hurt my feelings. He knew why and told me, but did not offer any explanation or apology. He barely even spoke to me when I brought it up. I have not spoken to him since then.. and I am now in a state of waiting. He tried yesterday to be nice and pretend like it never happened- offering to do things for me like pick up Ali from school and load my car for me this morning. But this time, this hurts my heart, and I don't want to let it go. This isn't fair to me, and this is not how I am going to have MY special day be for the next 60 years of our marriage.
I am sticking up for myself, and sticking to my guns. Because this hurts my heart. Not my pride, not makes me mad, it hurts my heart down deep- and that does not happen very easily with me. I hate being sad, and I hate living in a home with someone I am so saddened by, and now angry with, that I cannot even look at him. I hate that I am sitting in my classroom, my place of work, crying about this. And I want to cry harder, but I can't, because I am at work. I hate that I have to blog about something like this, and make a man who is otherwise a good person look bad and be judged by people who do not know him.
I feel broken, and I feel that this is not mine to fix. I just wonder how long it is going to take- and I do not even know at this point what I am expecting.